Happy 2013.

Well....it's 3:15 in the morning and I should have been in bed hours ago. I have returned to ze blog....basically just to revamp it a bit, make it look a little snazzier. Snazzier.....what the fuck kind of word is that? Anyhow, after fixing it up a bit, I realize I still have a draft to complete about our England trip to stay with Meg and to Download and only the absolute best thing ever about the previous year!!!

Yes, boys and girls, it is the year 2013. I can hardly believe it's been SEVEN MONTHS since I saw my pea. WAY. TOO. LONG. So if you're reading this Meg, HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THE TIME GO. We've discussed this before. ;)

So, yeah, now that I have graduated college (TA-DA!) I need to get on that at some point.
Yep, as of December 14, 2012, I am now an ECU college graduate and have earned a Bachelor of Science Degree in Interpersonal/Organizational Communication.

Since this is the first blog of the new year, here are my resolutions:

1) Find a better fucking job.
I tolerate my job, but I didn't just work five long years to get this degree to be an after school teacher forever. So resolution #1, find a communications position that will benefit me, and ultimately US.

2) Find a new apartment.
Our lease ends in March, and we intend to bounce ASAP. New humble abode, here we come.

3) Stay healthy.
I intend to take up water aerobics with Mom at the aquatic center, because we both want to maintain good health and weight being as we both don't really exercise except to take walks. So that should be a lot of fun, no sarcasm intended, I'm genuinely excited!

4) HIM CONCERT.
IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS TOO LONG.

5) Get an interview with Black Veil Brides.
By god, I will do all it takes this year. Due to work and long distances to drive, we will not be able to go to a show on The Church of The Wild Ones Tour, but we will catch them at Warped Tour. And even if it falls through once again, at least I'll have the ability to photograph their performance again and other killer bands this summer.

6) Organize our wedding!!!
Yep, it's that time, and it's coming up soon! It's one of the major important events of the year; emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. I cannot even form words to describe how ecstatic I am to be marrying my John.

7) Lastly, return to England!!!
The rough draft plan is that our honeymoon will be spent in England for a handful of days (exploring London, Cardiff, Birmingham and other places we haven't decided yet), and we will meet up with my dear friend, Meg, in Shrewsbury and stay with her for another handful of days and explore even more to.....towns and places I'm not sure of yet. SHENANIGANS! <3

"If the sky is the limit, then I'll build a bridge up to it."

 (originally posted on April 2, 2012 via my thoughts.com account.)

 

Sat here alone on this fine Monday afternoon, not only drinking coffee, but drinking in this sensation, this sensation of living on my own...which at first was a bit strange feeling, I'll admit, but still felt like freedom....it is now something I am used to. What I also had to become used to was having to move again.

Yes, we are now in our new apartment, and I really like everything about it. It has a nice vibe to it: 3 large rooms, simple, loads more room, closer to our favorite places, and it very much feels like home now. As I reflect on all the things I must do today, I reflect on not the past, but the future. How does one reflect on the future, you ask? Use your imagination. Think about what is to come in your life, your 'timeline', organize your thoughts and ideas, your goals and dreams. If you do that, life doesn't seem quite as dull as it may seem to be sometimes. To some people, it may go something like this, "Why are you telling me this, I know what I'm doing. I know how to reflect, don't tell me how to reflect!" Y'know the know-it-alls. There's many of those in this world. To others it might be, "What in god's name are you actually fucking talking about?" Doesn't really matter as long as you understand the concept, and you don't give a shit what others think, then you're on the right track.

Back to the reflection. For example, I've got a BILLION things swimming in my mind at the moment.

"Will we have saved up enough money to go on our trip to London when June arrives? Oh shit, I need to go get a passport too, and so does John! I really need to buy plane tickets soon. Wow, I really need to study for this exam that's tomorrow. Why have I not looked at my notes yet? Oh yeah, cos I'm on the Internet......Do I have enough money to buy a pizza tonight? Whew, so glad the rent's all taken care of now, thank fuck. Now we've got the utilities, gas and internet to take care of! Oh no, AND the cell phone, shit...I forgot about that one. We can do this. We CAN do this. I hope that idea Mom gave me the other day can become a success, that would be...just......words!"

"I really need to finish up my website soon. Gotta give all the previous listeners something to look forward to now that I'm no longer on the Z. They have no idea how killer this is going to be....hell, I still don't even realize the level of awesome it is going to be yet! I wonder if Asking is going to be at Warped? And I wonder if there's even a fleeting chance of interviewing BVB at Download....damn that's gonna be one helluva show! I'll probably pee on myself cos we'll be stuck up at the front all day. But it'll be so worth it dude! XD......Oh my god, I can't wait to meet Meg, she seems so fucking awesome!!! We are actually going to meet Meg! And go to motherfucking Download together! I'm England bound again...FUCK. YEAH. Woohooooo! It's John's first time on a plane....uh-oh...oh shit, I hope he doesn't get sick!!! He won't, or will he? To bring the big camera, or not to bring the big camera....that is the question..."

All the random thoughts of the day, somehow make it all worthwhile. See, isn't reflection grand?? Even if you do feel like your brain is imploding some days, it's so worth the insanity, because there's millions of things worth living for. Life is worth living for.

Tears.

(originally posted on February 24, 2012 via my thoughts.com account.)


No words can even describe the way I feel right now. Like I've been ripped wide open. Like I've been shot with a bullet full of cyanide, and my soul is being crushed to death. His face appears on the computer screen for all the world to see. A photo of him and Dad. More photos. Photos of him at his happiest. Him the way I knew him. It's like I've been thrown into that fiery pit of despair all over again, that pit where I learned the news of his death. That he was no longer here on this Earth anymore. That he was no longer around to talk to, no longer here to go out and have fun with, no longer here to embrace me in his big, bone crushing hugs he always gave, no longer here to tell me how big of a nerd I am, no longer here to teach me things like a big brother does, no longer here to spray old jeans with Clorox and burn stuff with, no longer here to beat me at every video game ever, and ride around in shopping carts together acting like fools...no longer here for me to hear his beautiful, loving voice. My blood. My kin. My brother. No one knew him better than me. No one.

Yet I sit here watching this bullshit where they're trying to say that he took his own life. HE didn't, the world did. The people around him that didn't take care of him. Every single time my mind goes back to his fate, I wish so badly that I could've saved him. That I was gutsy enough to go get him myself, but I was only 16. Why can't a Tardis be an actual real life mode of transportation?

Jace Cameron Stephenson. The name resonates into my ear-buds at 3 a.m. this morning as I watch the WRAL teen suicide news video, and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I'm broken, broken inside to the point of rage and sadness melting together. My eyes fill up with tears, and I instantly begin to sob at the sight of all these wonderful photos of my dear sweet brother...shocked at the jolt from this inner anguish once again that he's not a part of my life anymore. It feels JUST like when we lost him, the very fucking same. Nearly identical to that shot in the chest I felt that day on August 11, 2005......everything has been going so great lately, HE NEEDS TO BE HERE. All these new people who've come along in our lives, my little brothers, my darling John..my buddy Meg from England, (Jace's favorite country)...he would adore them!!! He would love life right now, hell, he'd be our roommate!! Just saying that in my head makes me even sadder because it will never happen....I literally cannot stop crying, it actually hurts if I try to stop.

Seeing her point out his drawings and calling them something negative....they're beautiful! His artwork is what defined him...he was unique, talented, out-spoken, punk-rock, care-free, humorous (dry, but still hilarious) and all around a charismatic young man with a colorfully vivid imagination. He had so much going for him in life, and those drawings, in my eyes, are how he'll live on forever. Through his blogs, his poetry, his love for photography that we shared.

I've finally stopped crying now. It's taken a whole 30 minutes to do this thing. Well, 32. I have nothing more to say. I just wish....I wish to know that he is happy. That he's not sad anymore. That he's not in mental, physical or emotional pain any longer. I just wish I could hear his voice tell me that, that he's okay....that he was wrong about heaven, and that he's safe and sound with Dad and Jake.

Tuesday's blog. *In loving memory*

(originally posted on February 7, 2012 via my thoughts.com account.)

See. Told you he wrote like a boss.

www.myspace.com/quailresistance/blog

A few words. Lyrics, actually.

  (originally posted on February 7, 2012 via my thoughts.com account.)

"For those who sing alone, no need to feel the sorrow"......."Labyrinth in the shape of a heart, love's secret architecture"......."My outlaw eyes have seen their lies"......"They say that I can't last a day in the real world, I say you wouldn't survive one night in mine"........."Paint all your sorrow for me to sing, draw your pain and hear me hum it out"......"These angels who carry me, they taught me youth and whiskey"........."Here we are just like before, waiting for the warmth of our tender storm".........."Could be the end of the world, I'd still be laid here on my own wasting my life away"....."Death sings our song, and we eagerly sing along"....."This music's dead with a bullet in its head, let's wake it up".


I just felt like spilling those out there, because I could.

It explains my mood.

(Credits to the respected artists: HIM, Black Veil Brides, & Asking Alexandria)

Brain jibblets.

(originally posted on January 25, 2012 via my thoughts.com account.)
 

Alas, I have finally made a blog. For quite sometime now I have wanted to start this, a place to vent my thoughts and my wonderings, my excitements and my frustrations....or those things that my brother used to call them: "brain jibblets". It has to come out, as it must come out of all of us, whether the next person likes it or not. So, here it goes.....

A new year is upon us, the greatly anticipated 2012. The year in which many feel like it is their last chance to do something with their lives, because the world is going to end in December. I myself, don't believe this to be true...but just in case it is indeed going to be the end of all time before Christmas, then I don't see why I should make this year any less fun than the other years, hell, why not make it the BEST one yet! I'm 22 years old, going to be 23 in June. There's so many things to look forward to...yet the past still plagues my mind. From time to time. And I don't just mean the little things that went wrong, but the big ones too.

March 26 will mark the 10 year anniversary of my father's death. He was the greatest man I ever knew, and he was taken from me when I was only 12 years of age. Do I still cry about this? Yes. From time to time. Do I think of him as proud of me to keep going on? Absolutely. I see a lot of him in me as well, certain aspects of my life and the way I've conquered them reminds me of how he used to handle things when he was still alive. Our undying love for music and the power that comes from listening to rock-n-roll. The way we let the music completely take over our body and our heart, whether it's just kicked back listening or actually playing the music. Making the hand motions of tinkering the ivories or the air guitar riffs when our favorite part of a song plays. Yes, Dad played guitar, piano, keys, and sang...he was rather old school but I can imagine he'd appreciate some of the latest bands that have come out lately....especially the ones who are VERY reflective of their roots and trying to bring back the classic rock vibe or the 80s vibe. I also feel like his love of family and his romantic side comes out in me as well. Whether it's poetry, songwriting, our passion for spilling our hearts out for love....I dunno. I just know that the older I get the more I recognize these things.

However, I still find him to be a much stronger person than I'll ever be. Hell, he had melanoma in his brain that kept coming back for 3 years. Radiation, chemotherapy, 3 surgeries....all of this and not a single tear was shed. He had a stomach of iron and a heart of gold. I miss him every single day, and wish he could come over and visit John and I in our apartment.

Which to add, yes I live in an apartment with my wonderful boyfriend of 3 and a half years, John. I'll speak of that later...first off, there's another angel that watches over me, whom I can't bear the fact that he's gone, and wish to see him quite often. My older brother, Jace.

I could write an entire book on the adventures that my brother and I had in the 18 years that he lived on this Earth. I will most likely write blogs in the future to reflect on his way-too-short-lived life, and may even analyze some of his epic blogs from Myspace. (yes, Myspace...that old social network that hardly anyone is on these days). Jace Cameron Stephenson. He was the first person to inspire me to write. He always had a way with words, it's completely indescribable the way in which his words flowed and he poured out his thoughts and ideas. He was a very talented artist, he had hundreds of drawings and paintings, and he wrote very dark poetry, (some of it is in a book that his mother wrote, he's actually my half-brother). He wrote with a very intense writing style, one must read it to understand. It's evident through his poetry that he was very depressed and in a state of gloom after our father passed. He got wrapped up in drugs etc, but that wasn't really the problem. Through a series of unfortunate events, he was living in Texas with his mother and step-dad from the age of 12 to 18, and each year I'd only get to see him for a few months in the summer and a few weeks around Christmas.

New Year's Day 2005 was the very last day that I saw Jace. He had on his Dead Kennedys T-shirt and his bleach stained jeans, the ones we had experimented with over the previous summer with a spray bottle and Clorox. He was so excited about graduating. He gave me a big hug and said "Catcha laata", before walking off towards the terminal with his plaid messenger bag slung over his shoulder. He never came over for the summer, and I can remember being really depressed because I already knew that my mother was going to be remarried in July, and I just wanted him to be there so badly. It was hard enough as it was, and I just wanted my brother to be there to talk to, to play video games with, to go act like fools in Wal-Mart just because we could, because we were teenagers. In August, while eating dinner at my step-dad's house, my mother got a phone call from Jace's mom that he had hung himself in the attic there in Flower Mound, Texas.

On my way to take my plate to the sink, my mother repeated those words and I instantly dropped my plate and collapsed on the floor. I pounded the floor screaming, threw my plate, and went to my room in a frantic...as if the room was a gateway to bring him back. I buried myself into the bed there in my room at my step-dad's, crying as hard as I ever had...harder than when Dad died. There's nothing worse than finding out about someone's death when it's least expected. My father was dying, we knew he was dying....Jace had his whole life ahead of him. His death could have been stopped, and every now and again I wonder to myself what I could have done to stop him from killing himself. I was only 16 years old at the time. What could I have done?

Fast forward to 2008. I'm in college now. Attending and commuting to East Carolina University in Greenville, North Carolina from the little river town of Washington, North Caroliina, living with my mother and stepfather who have given birth to twin boys in 2006. I've now gone through the whole eating disorder escapades that followed my brother's death. I found no joy in food, had no desire to eat food, desperately wanting to lose weight simply because I could. Until it got out of control. So for 3 years, that was my lifestyle. Starving myself. In the year 2008, I was on my way back up.....but more about that in a second.

Ah Washington, I've lived here since I was 11 years old. (Before that was Bear Grass, a country town about a half hour away.) Washington is a quaint yet shady little place, small in population but large in crime rate, surprisingly. Over the bridge is another town, Chocowinity. Now Washington and Chocowinity are kinda like New York and New Jersey. They talk shit about each other and they're right across a body of water. It makes me laugh.

Then there's a place called the Turnage Theater on Main Street...which unfortunately was just recently shut down due to financial difficulties. The Turnage is where it all began...

I heard about auditions for a play called "Overtones". I went to the auditions, got a part in the ensemble (non-speaking characters) as a little girl. Funny they did that, I was only 95 pounds at the time so, "Yeah let's make her the role of a little girl". Either way, I met many young people there, and like most of the ones throughout high school, they didn't really want to talk to me either. Except for two people, a boy and girl couple. They were both still in high school, a sophomore and a senior. We instantly cilcked together, and we started hanging out from time to time, not just at rehearsals. At rehearsals, I started to look at this boy and think, "Damn...am I falling for one of my best friends?...A friend who's taken by another friend?" So summer went by, as did the 3 weeks of the play, and in September, the young man called to tell me that he and his girlfriend had split up because she was cheating on him. I let him vent to me about how angry he was, lending an ear to listen, to let him say everything that he needed to say, to be there for a friend. Less than a week later, he called me back. After a half hour of talking about music and video games, he said, "Jewels...will you....oh this is so lame. You'll think I'm crazy."....."No what is it, ask me? I won't think you're crazy."......"Jewels...will you go out with me?"......."Yes! I've been wanting to ask you that for a while now!"

That was the beginning of John and Jewels.

We've stayed a strong couple for 3 and a half years now, and being with him has made me a stronger person. Many positive things have happened since he's entered my life. I've become stronger mentally (standing up for myself against my step-dad) physically (gained healthy weight back over these past few years) and emotionally because I have been able to move on....as well as move out. We now live in an apartment right here on Main Street. I still stay in contact with my family, my mom more than anyone else, and surprisingly my step-dad and I are on better terms than ever before.

Now these past few years have been full of awesome events. 2009, I learned to swim...kinda. It was our first summer as a couple, first year as a couple..second Christmas as a couple. 2010, we attended our first real concert together, which was the one and only HIM, the band that brought us together. I started hosting my own radio show that summer on ECU's radio station, WZMB. Did my first interviews on the airwaves. Good times!

2010 also marked the year that I met the majority of my online friends. Nearly all of them at once. In February, HIM released Screamworks and I started using my Facebook more often, which is how I found most of them. (A few were on Myspace but we ditched it soon after and came over to Facebook). Well, for nearly 2 years, I had a pretty solid online friendship with some people, a circle of friends...became know as "the girls". We all gave each other our own nicknames for each other. Everything was going really, really well, I had these connections that felt really awesome and all these girls were super kind and sweet, we'd talk about music, etc. I loved it! And I still do!

2011 marked the year that I did my first ever face-to-face interview with a musician before a gig in Norfolk, Virginia, and it was with none other than HIM and Daniel Lioneye's guitarist, Mikko "Linde" Lindstrom. He was an incredibly genuine, kind man, he spoke very softly and was warm in his mannerisms towards us while on the tour bus, John recording the interview and I asking the questions. It became known as THE coolest moment of the year, right next to that summer when I photographed Black Veil Brides when Warped Tour came to Virginia Beach. The planned interview with BVB fell through because the manager didn't book it, but oh well, there's next time.

Later in the year, November 1, we finally made the move. I boxed up all my belongings and over the course of the next few weeks, John and I had all our stuff moved into a little 2 story apartment downtown. My mother was hysterical for a little while, worried about me and worried about how we'd spend the holidays, but it all worked out in the end. However, later that month, I noticed a change in attitudes on Facebook. I couldn't figure it out...I kept puzzling to myself why such shitty things were being said about a certain someone that was so blatantly obviously me. I tried to ask this friend what had I done to upset her. She never replied. For weeks.

I had also messaged my other friend, trying to figure out if she could understand what was going on. She offered to help me find out what was the matter. This friend, (who I'm still very close with to this day) proceeded to do so, and the other friend finally blew up in my face about it. Well...not literally. But in fucking caps lock on the Internet. She was pissed off that I had asked my friend what was wrong with her. Well, I HAD asked them both, they are both supposed to be my friends, correct? She questioned if she was a good enough friend and why I liked the other girl more than her. I told her I liked both of them equally, and asked why she had come to this conclusion. Why would she assume this?

Either way, this insanely childish manner continued, because this now ex-friend and her current best friend kept saying cruel things on the wall for all to see, making death threats to me in my inbox, and getting all bitchy about things I said on Twitter that they disagreed with. Finally it "ended" when I wrote a note on Facebook releasing my inner thoughts about the whole situation, in fair, simple terms. They both blocked me. As if I had done something so evil towards them. My friend, the one who's always still around, informed me of what they had done...she said she was so sorry for everything, and I told her 'Don't be'. Because in the end, all she was trying to do was help.

Remember how I said "ended"? Yeah, that means it didn't. The two.....let's just say "twats", to keep from using names. The twats proceeded to continue the bullying on Twitter. Great. They tagged me in their tweets, talking pure dogshit about what I had written in my note on Facebook, and taking the piss out of the way, in my defense, what John had commented to them, to just leave me alone. Another so-called "friend" chipped into the conversation and only made things worse. I told her if she didn't know what was going on, to just stay out of it.

THEN, it ended. Almost. I blocked all three of them on Twitter and the third wheel on Facebook. I even had to block a few others who had taken their side and started attacking me...great friends, huh?

To my greatest amusement (sarcasm, more like "Just please shut the hell up already!") the third wheel wrote a blog on her website talking the utmost gutter trash about John and I......she was speaking as if she knew who we were, when she didn't (and still doesn't) have the foggiest idea of what kind of people we are. She's just one of those people that love to cause drama and think that their shit don't stink because they live in a big city. *cough*Brooklyn*cough*

What gets me the most is "the circle". The circle has grown smaller in size, practically diminished...but not quite. My question for those who left, or those who pretend like nothing ever happened, I want to know.......what is a friend for? What is the point if you can't stay true? What's the point if you fail to take up for one another? And another thing, what's the point in staying friends with a person that you already know is slime and verbally attacks people, who are supposed to be friends, without any remorse? When you know they've done something heartless towards another? When you know these people are fakes? How is that okay?

Over the course of the last 2 months, I have mind-wrestled with what happened in November, time and time again. How could I have changed this? How could I have made this not happen? Just like the death of my brother, and my father, it was out of my hands. In the end, there's not a damn thing I can honestly do about it, because it was her/their choice to drop me so easily....what it boils down to is that they were never true friends to begin with. I try to stay positive and be thankful for the handful of friends who are still here, the ones who still care....

The friend I mentioned, the one who took up for me and tried to figure out what was wrong...she's still by my side.

She's written and sent me multiple letters through the mail which never fail to make me feel better about the situation....she's encouraging me still to move on, move past that and forget about those people who tried to bring me down. I couldn't ask for a better friend. If only she didn't live across the ocean. I look forward to meeting her this summer when I travel to her home country of Great Britain.



In conclusion, to this insanely long blog, I feel like 2012 is going to be a year of change.

New job. New home. New life with my man. New friends (and the true ones who've stayed). New influences. New tunes. New places. New trips. New highways. New concerts. New festivals. New journeys. New experiences. New accomplishments. New dreams. New year.



Like Jace always said, "Good times, good times".